A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas”

A blonde was down on her luck. In order to raise some money, she decided to kidnap a kid and hold him for ransom. She went to the playground, grabbed a kid, took him behind a tree, and told him: “I’ve kidnapped you.” She then wrote a note saying, “I’ve kidnapped your kid. Tomorrow morning, put $10,000 in a paper bag and put it under the pecan tree next to the slide on the north side of the playground. Signed, A Blonde.”

The blonde then pinned the note to the kid’s shirt and sent him home to show it to his parents.

The next morning the blonde checked, and sure enough, a paper bag was sitting beneath the pecan tree. The blonde opened the bag and found the $10,000 with a note that said, “How could you do this to a fellow blonde?”

A man is walking on the beach when he trips over a lamp. A few seconds later, a genie pops out and says, “I’m required to grant three wishes, but since you did not treat my lamp with respect, I will give twice what you get to the person you hate most—your boss.”

The man agrees and makes his first wish: “I want lots of money.” Instantly $20 million appears in bags on the beach, and $40 million appears in his boss’ bank account.

Next the man asks for an incredible sports car. Instantly a Lamborghini appears, and at the same moment, two show up outside his boss’ house.

Finally the genie says, “You have but one wish left; you should choose carefully.”

The man says, “Well, I’ve always wanted to donate a kidney.”

Little Johnny goes to his dad and asks, “What is politics?” Dad says, “Well son, let me try to explain it this way. I’m the breadwinner of the family, so let’s call me Capitalism. Mommy is the administrator of the money, so we’ll call her the Government. We’re here to take care of your needs, so we’ll call you The People. The nanny, well, consider her The Working Class. Your baby brother, we’ll call him The Future. Now go think about this and see if it makes sense.”

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying and runs to his room only to find that his diapers are very soiled. So the little boy goes to his parents’ room. Mom is sound asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny’s room. Finding the door locked, he looks through the peephole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to his father, “Dad, I think I understand what politics is now.”

“Good son, tell me in your own words then what politics are.”

The little boy replies, “Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is sound asleep, the People are being ignored and the Future is in deep shit.”

An American man, a Chinese man, and a Mexican man all died and went to Hell. The Devil said, “You know guys, you all have been sinners. But I’m in a good mood, so I’m willing to give you another chance. If you can think of a sentence using the words ‘green’, ‘pink’, and ‘yellow’ that will make me laugh, then you will go to heaven.”

The Chinese guy goes first. He says, “One morning when I woke up, I looked out the window and saw a green field with pink and yellow flowers in it.” The Devil says, “You think that’s funny?” and the Chinese goes to Hell.

The American is next. He says, “One morning I was walking on the street and saw George W Bush with nothing on but a pink bra, green shoes, and a yellow mohawk.” The Devil says, “Nice try, but that’s not funny.” The American goes to Hell.

Now, it’s the Mexican’s turn. But he’s not very good at English and by now he is panicking. He blurts out, “This morning when the phone went ‘green green green’, I came to pink it up, and said ‘Yellow’?”

The Devil laughs and says “Okay, you can go to heaven.” And the Mexican’s jaw drops, “Huh?”

Yesterday I was buying a large bag of Purina dog chow for Athena the wonder dog, at Wal-Mart and was about to check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog.

On impulse, I told her that no, I didn’t have a dog, and that I was starting the Purina Diet again. Although I probably shouldn’t, because I’d ended up in the hospital last time, but that I’d lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive care ward with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.

I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pants pockets with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry and that the foods nutritionally complete so I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story.)

Horrified, she asked if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no; I stepped off a curb to sniff an Irish Setter’s ass and a car hit us both.

I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack, he was laughing so hard.

Prime Minister of Canada to Visit Washington Statement by the Press Secretary

President Bush and Prime Minister John Chretien of Canada met on Sept. 24th with the Canadian Leader strongly supporting the war on terrorism. Prime Minister Chretien issued the following statement:

CANADIANS WILL HELP AMERICA WITH THE WAR ON TERRORISM!

WE HAVE PLEDGED:
- 2 BATTLE SHIPS,
- 600 GROUND TROOPS,
- 6 FIGHTER JETS.

AFTER THE AMERICAN EXCHANGE RATE, THEY WILL END UP WITH:
- 2 CANOES,
- 6 MOUNTIES,
- AND A BUNCH OF FLYING SQUIRRELS

A man goes into the hospital for a vasectomy.

Shortly after he recovers from his an anesthetic, his surgeon comes in and tells him: “Well, I’ve got good news and I’ve got bad news for you.”

“Give me the bad news first, Doc.” says the patient.
“I’m afraid that we accidentally cut your balls off during surgery, son.”
“Oh my god!” the patient cries, breaking into tears.
“But the good news,” the doctor adds, “is that we had them biopsied and you’ll be relieved to know that they weren’t malignant!”

A blonde, a brunette, and a red-head where driving down the road, when a cop starts to chase them.

They rush off and crash into the side of a barn, they immediately jump out of the car and hide under potatoe sacks.

The cop runs in after them, and the first potatoe sack he comes to the brunette is under. He kicks it and the brunette says, “MEEEEOOOOOOW”, and the cop says, “Oh! It’s just a stupid cat.”

He then moves to the potatoe sack the red-head is under and kicks it. The red-head replies, “ROOF, ROOF”, the cop, angry now, says, “STUPID DOG!!”

Then the cop gets to the potatoe sack the blonde is under, he kicks it with great force and the blonde creams, “POOOOOOTAAAAAAATOOOOOOOE!”

There was this guy, let’s call him bob. One night Bob went to about 5 bars, and he drank, like, 17 beers.

After he was done with that, like any normally functioning person, he really had to go. So he asked the bartender where the bathroom was, and he went to where he thought it was.

Later that night, Bob was laying in bed trying to go to sleep, and he was thought, “wait a minute.. there was a golden toilet!!” Right then he got up and went out to find the special toilet. He had hit 5 bars that night, so he went to the first one, asked where the bathroom was, when he went and looked, there was no golden toilet.

This continued until he got to the last bar, he was really tired by then, and rather then going to look for the toilet himself, he asked the bartender, “do you by any chance have a golden toilet here?” and the bartender said to another person that was there, “hey! I think I found the guy who crapped in the tuba!!!”