There were eleven people hanging onto a rope that came down from an airplane. Ten were blonde, and one was a brunette. They all decided that one person should get off because if they didn’t, the rope would break and everyone would die.

No one could decide who should go, so finally the brunette said, “I’ll get off.”

After a really touching speech from the brunette saying she would get off, all of the blondes started clapping.

Problem solved.

A man in Amsterdam felt that he needed to confess, so he went to his priest, “Forgive me Father, for I have sinned. During WWII I hid a refugee in my attic.” “Well,” answered the priest, “that’s not a sin.”‘ “But I made him agree to pay me 20 Guilders for every week he stayed.” “I admit that wasn’t good, but you did it for a good cause.” “Oh, thank you, Father; that eases my mind. I have one more question…” “What is that, my son?” “Do I have to tell him the war is over?”

There were these two best friends out playing golf one beautiful day. After hitting their tee shots, both noticed that neither was even close to the fairway. One friend hit it way left, the other way right.

They decided that since the shots were so bad, they’d just meet up at the hole.

So the first guy went off and looked and looked and finally found his ball sitting down deep in a field of beautiful Buttercups. He promptly pulled out his 7 iron and started whacking away. Buttercups were flying everywhere, but the ball wouldn’t come out.

Well, finally Mother Nature got mad.

She came up from the ground and said to the man, “I’ve created this beautiful field of Buttercups and you have no respect for them at all, now they are ruined. I’m going to have to punish you. Since these are Buttercups, your punishment is that you cannot have butter for a year.”

The man started to laugh and went back to whacking at the Buttercups.

Mother Nature said, “Hey, this is no laughing matter. What do you find so funny?”

The man looked up and said, “My buddy is over on the other side in the Pussywillows.”

The World’s Greatest Cowboy (wgc) was captured by some Indians, who told him they would burn him at the stake at dawn. But because he was the wgc, they would give him a last request. The WGC said, let me talk to my horse.

So he whispers in the horse’s ear, and the horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a beautiful redhead. He takes her into a teepee and makes love to her for a couple of hours. Finally she staggers out, gets on the horse, and rides away. An hour later the horse returns.

The Indian chief says “Now we know why you are called the WGC! That was a good horse trick, and we are good horsemen ourselves. We will give you another last request.” So WGC asked to speak to the horse again.

The horse runs off, and returns in an hour with a naked, beautiful, to die for, knock you off your feet, blonde. WGC takes her into the teepee, and after 3 hours, she staggers out, and has to be helped onto the horse, which carries her away and returns in an hour.

The chief says “The tribe is impressed, not only by your horse, but by your stamina and ability! Now we are certain why you are called the WGC, and are a great and honored enemy. We honor you, but we must still kill you at dawn. But we will still give you one more last request.”

The WGC, walks up to the horse, grabs it by the head, and giving it a shake, says, “Posse! I said go and get me a POSSE!”

A man was being interviewed for a job. “Were you in the service?” ask the interviewer.

“Yes, I was a Marine,” responded the applicant.

“Did you see any active duty?”

“I was in Vietnam for 2 years and I have a partial disability.”

“May I ask what happened?”

“Well, I had a grenade go off between my legs and I lost both testicles.”

“You’re hired. You can start Monday at 10 am.”

“When does everyone else start? I don’t want any preferential treatment because of my disability.”

“Everyone else starts at 7 am but I might as well be honest with you. Nothing gets done between 7 and 10. We just sit around scratching our balls trying to decide what to do first.”

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads “low bridge ahead.” He tries to turn off but, before he knows it, the bridge is right there and he gets stuck under it. Cars are backed up for miles.

Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, “Got stuck huh?”

The truck driver says, “No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas”

A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver’s license.

“Read it?” the Polish guy replied, “I know the guy.”

A man was walking along a Florida beach and stumbled across an old lamp. He picked it up and rubbed it, and out popped a genie.The genie said, “OK, You released me from the lamp, blah blah blah. This is the fourth time this month, and I ‘m getting a little sick of these wishes so you can forget about three… You only get one wish! “The man sat, and thought about it for a while and said, “I ‘ve always wanted to go to Hawaii, but I ‘m scared to fly, and I get very seasick. Could you build me a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over there to visit? “The genie laughed and said, “That ’s impossible!!!Think of the logistics of that! How would the supports ever reach the bottom of the Pacific? Think of how much concrete — how much steel!! No, think of another wish. “The man said, “OK, I ‘ll try to think of a really good wish. ” Finally, he said, “I ‘ve been married and divorced four times. My wives always said that I don ‘t care and that I ‘m insensitive.So, I wish that I could understand women, know how they feel inside, and what they ‘re thinking when they give me the silent treatment. Know why they ‘re crying, know what they really want when they say “nothing, “, know how to make them truly happy. “The genie said, “Do you want that bridge to be two lanes or four? “

A ninety year old woman had just lost her husband of sixty five years. She decided she could not bare to be alone and would take her life. So she made an appointment with her doctor. In the exam room she asked her doctor where exactly her heart was. The doctor answered just below your left breast.

So the widow went home and took out her late husband’s gun and shot herself in the exact spot her doctor said her heart was. A few hours later a ninety year old widow was taken into the ER with a gunshot wound to the left knee.

A ninety year old woman had just lost her husband of sixty five years. She decided she could not bare to be alone and would take her life. So she made an appointment with her doctor. In the exam room she asked her doctor where exactly her heart was. The doctor answered just below your left breast.

So the widow went home and took out her late husband’s gun and shot herself in the exact spot her doctor said her heart was. A few hours later a ninety year old widow was taken into the ER with a gunshot wound to the left knee.