Jamie goes to the doctor to get the results of a health check.

Doctor says, “I’ve got good news and bad news, which do you want to hear first?”

Jamie says, “Good news first.”
“OK, You got 24 hours to live”
“If that’s the good news, what is the bad news?”
“I should of told you that yesterday!”

A blonde came home from her first day commuting into the city.
Her mother noticed she was looking a little peaked and asked, “Honey, are you feeling all right?”

“Not really,” the blonde replied. “I’m nauseous from sitting backward on the train.”

“Poor dear,” Mom said. “Why didn’t you ask the person sitting across from you to switch seats for a while?”

“I couldn’t,” she replied, “there was no one there.”

A blonde goes to a doctor and tells him that both her ears are burnt.
‘Sit down and tell me how it happened,’ said the doctor.

‘Well, I was ironing my clothes when I received a phone call, and instead of picking the phone, I picked up the iron and burnt my ear!’

‘Okay, I see…But that’s one ear - what about the other?’

‘They called again!!’

A blonde and a brunette were talking one day. The brunette said that her boyfriend had a slight dandruff problem but she gave him “Head and Shoulders” and it cleared it up. The blonde asked inquisitively,”How do you give shoulders?”

A blind man walks into a store with his seeing eye dog. All of a sudden, he picks up the leash and begins swinging the dog over his head. The manager runs up to the man and asks, “What are you doing?!!” The blind man replies, “Just looking around.”

Johnny: Daddy, are caterpillars good to eat?
Father: Have I not told you never to mention such things during meals!
Mother: Why did you say that, Junior? Why did you ask the question?
Johnny: It’s because I saw one on daddy’s lettuce, but now it’s gone.

One day a man and his dog walk into a bar. The owner of the
dog says to the bartender “I bet 10 dollars my dog can talk”.
The bartender, naturally, accepts.
All of the sudden the dog starts reciting the Gettysburg adress.
So the bartender layes down ten dollars and the dog grabbs it
and runs out the door. The owner runs after the dog. He finds him
in a back ally (kissing) a french poodle. The owner says to his
dog “What are you doing? You’ve never done that before.”
The dog responds: “I’ve never had ten dollars before.”